Pink Cloud
When I was in treatment, they kept talking about the “pink cloud” and how tricky it can be for a recovering alcoholic to adjust when the cloud disappears. I didn’t really know what it meant at the time, but my counselors all said in their evaluations “you’re not a pink cloud guy, just keep doing what you’re doing”. I realize now that it can be easy to be confident and comfortable while you’re institutionalized, with no pressure to drink from the outside world, no temptation from friends, no stress from work, and support all around you. Getting out and going home was a shock with all those protections removed and being thrust out on my own.
I am fortunate to have a large support group in my family, extended family, and close friends who did everything possible to make the adjustment easier for me. And I didn’t have a job to create stress and take up time that I could spend focusing on my recovery. Lack of employment created a different kind of stress, as no job meant no income and the bills were still there. I hadn’t had to look for a job in 15 years, so my job hunting skills were a little rusty to say the least. And at the time, I wasn’t really in a hurry as I wanted to make sure I had my recovery feet under me solidly before I jumped back into the rat race. So I spent my time with IOP, getting stuff done around the house (all that stuff that had been neglected while I was too busy drinking), and enjoying the summer.
Moving forward
Now in the past month, I have ended my time in IOP (no longer under the care of Hazelden!), started a new job, went through my first sober holiday season, and got to my 1 year anniversary. Each of these things I was warned about in rehab as possible triggers, benchmarks where a lot of people slip up for one reason or another. My plan to ease myself back into normal life found a monkey wrench. It all happened at once.
But I’ve made it through. The training I received in treatment, the meetings I go to, my support group, all that stuff was still there to lean on and utilize. I got my AA/NA chips, and my family celebrated with me. I spent an extended holiday season with my wife’s family and then with my family, no struggles. Ending IOP was less of a worry, I had spent enough time doing that and was ready to be done. It did serve as a wonderful transition period for me and kept recovery front and center in my mind. Returning to work was different, as “normal” right now in the work force in quite different than when I left it. I work remotely for the most part which means no traffic and hour-long commutes, but also no personal connection with my co-workers and team. The good and bad of COVID that we’re all adjusting to, I guess.
I’m proud of how far I’ve come, how I’ve bettered my life to benefit myself and my family. So I wrote this not to toot my own horn, but to let you know that it can be done if we work for it.
I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, or that it’s easy and I didn’t put in a ton of work to get here, because i know that there are many of you out there that struggle or don’t have ideal situations to surround yourself in. But I’m proud of how far I’ve come, how I’ve bettered my life to benefit myself and my family. So I wrote this not to toot my own horn, but to let you know that it can be done if we work for it. Everyone’s recovery is different and we all need to find something that works for us. I used meetings, more meetings, staying busy to keep my thoughts occupied with things other than drinking, and my support system. You might have better ways for your situation. Find what they are and use them. Reach out to someone if you need to, we’re here to help.