Slick is that character I heard about in rehab, a representation of your disease, the little devil on the shoulder of addicts waiting for his opportunity to convince you that it would be a good idea to use again. He has unlimited patience, the voice of an angel, and the negotiating skills that would rival the top agents in sports. He lurks in the dark recesses of your mind, twiddling his thumbs while you practice your recovery program, watching for that moment when he can pounce. I like to picture him as the green poison face of my youth, Mr. Yuk.
I thought I had him boxed up and contained, squashed so that he would never bother me again. Even though folks with a lot more sobriety than me mention every week that they still battle with him. Even though it was preached in treatment that he would always be there. I was told the moment you get complacent is when he makes his move, it might be tomorrow or next week or 10 years from now, but he’s always there. I believe all of this, but I didn’t realize the many ways and situations where he can manifest himself.
Always be aware of…
My recovery has been going pretty smooth. I made it through the first year of hurdles without a slip, without a thought of drinking. I have had some times when my mood or attitude was poor, or I just felt “off”. More often than not it was some lapse in my program, some little thing that I stopped doing because I didn’t think it was necessary anymore. Then someone would say something at a meeting that would spark my memory and it all became clear. I had stopped doing my daily meditation, or gratitude list, or simply hadn’t been to a meeting in a couple days. I jumped back into my routine and felt better.
I’m alone, no one will know.
Slick
As I have mentioned previously, I took some time off from gainful employment to go to rehab and get my recovery feet underneath me. I am now working again, and part of that work requires out of town trips to customer sites for a couple/few days at a time. I hadn’t been out of town for work since before I got sober. I recently had to travel away from home for a couple days. I didn’t think anything of it, I’d done this a hundred times before, but never in recovery. The first day I was driving back to my hotel from the job site and caught myself looking for liquor stores. It was a routine from my past that suddenly resurfaced when in that familiar situation. The thought even crossed my mind that “I’m alone, no one will know”. But a comment from a meeting the week before sprang to the front of my mind, a comment from a woman receiving her chip for 33 years of sobriety. She recounted her first meeting and reiterated that even after 33 years, those thoughts still passed through her mind, Slick never goes away.
back to the basics
I didn’t stop at a liquor store, didn’t take a drink. I was able to get through those brief moments without stopping, get back to the hotel, say the Serenity Prayer a couple times, and get my mind focused on other things. I was reminded of how easy it could be to throw it all away, how patient Slick can be and pounce when we least expect it. I’d like to think that I came away from this moment stronger in my recovery, and more diligent and thorough in my program.
Once again, the things I learned in treatment were proven to be true. I can’t become complacent, I can’t quit working my program, I need to keep recovery at the front of my thoughts, because Slick doesn’t quit!
Peace!