HR Ep 5 – The Four Agreements Part 2

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For more information visit HammeredRecovery.com  or e-mail me at justin@hammeredrecovery.com

Show Notes

The Next three agreements are born from the first agreement.

Don’t take anything personally!

• Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally.
  • This is easier said than done.  As humans we take everything personally.
  • If we remember back to the 1^st agreement… if I walk up to someone on the street and call them stupid that is on me, not them.
  • If someone says the same to us and you take it personally it’s because you agree with what the person has said and as soon as you agree the poison goes through you and you are trapped in the dream of hell.
  • What cases us to become trapped is called Personal Importance or taking it personally.
    • This is the maximum expression of selfishness because we assume everything is about me.
  • Even if someone ran up to you on the street and shot you that has nothing to do with you.  That is on them.  They don’t know you.  They are obviously dealing with some issues, but it has nothing to do with you.
  • During our upbringing we learn to take everything personally.  Everything revolves around us. Me, me, me!
  • Nothing anyone does if because of you.  It is always because of them.
  • Everyone lives in their own dream.  They live in a completely different world.
    • When we take something personally we assume they know what’s in our world.
  • Even when a situation seems very personal and someone insults you directly, it has nothing to do with you.
    • What they say, what they do, and the opinions they have are all based on their agreements.  Their point of view comes from their upbringing.
    • Even if someone gives you their opinion… (that is all it is, their opinion) and say, “you look fat” Do Not Take It Personally.
    • That person is obviously dealing with something themselves and they are trying to send you emotional poison.  If you take it personally then it becomes yours.
      • Taking things personally makes you an easy target for these kinds of people
      • However, if you don’t agree with it and do not take it personally then you become immune to this kind of garbage and the hell that comes with it.
  • Immunity to poison and the hell it creates is the gift of this agreement.
  • When you take things personally you will feel offended, and your natural reaction will be to defend yourself based on your beliefs.
    • You make something big out of something so little because you have to be right and everyone else has to be wrong and so you start giving your opinions.
      • Remember your opinions are from your personal dream and your agreements.  They have nothing to do with the other person, so stop trying to spread them.
  • Say to yourself “It is not important what you think about me, and I don’t take what you think personally.”
    • I don’t take it personally when someone says, “you’re the best” and I don’t take it personally when you say, “you’re the worst”.  I just know that when people are happy they tend to say nice things and when they are angry then tend to say mean things.  Neither are of my concern.
    • I know what I am and that is all that matters to me!
  • I don’t take it personally.  Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know that is your problem and not mine.  It is the way you see the world.  It is not personal because you are dealing with yourself and not me.
  • If someone’s words do truly hurt you it is not the words they have said to you.  It is because you have an unresolved wound that you need to work on.  Their words did not hurt you, what it stirred up inside you.
  • Anyone’s opinions are based on their truths or agreements they have made.  Not yours, so if someone gets mad at you it is on them and has nothing to do with you.
  • People get mad because they are afraid and dealing with fear.  If you are not afraid hate, jealousy and sadness slip away.
    • If you live without fear there is no place for these emotions to build up and if you don’t let these emotions take root you will feel good.  All the time!
    • Everything will make you happy and you will love everything around you. BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE WAY YOU ARE!!

Good place to remember these agreements are not easy.  You can’t just say you are going to be impeccable with your word and never take anything personally.  You have to work at it every day.  And when you fail you just get up and try again.  Eventually it will become second nature.

Gossip has always driven me crazy.  I have friends who I feel gossip all the time and I know I have told others about how much these people gossip and that it drives me crazy.  Now let that sink in.  This is not easy.

• Whatever people do, feel, or say, don’t take it personally. They are not saying that because of you.  Either way, you already know how wonderful you are.
• Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true, so don’t take whatever you hear in your own mind personally either.
  • Your mind has the ability to talk and listen to itself.
  • Problem is that overtime you have made thousands of agreements that are not compatible with each other.
  • This is called the Mitote.
  • The Mitote is the reason humans Harley ever know what they want.

DQ story

My daughter always says she is going to get something new at DQ

We wait in the line until we finally are in front of the mic

And she orders a cookie dough/Reese’s’ Blizzard

Too many voices fighting in her head.

• You need to take inventory over all the agreements you have made with yourself and discard the ones that you no longer agree with.
  • Also, the ones that you still agree with, but you know are based out of fear and are making you miserable.
  • By practicing the 2^nd agreement, you will begin to break dozens of agreements that cause you to suffer.
• When we start seeing others as they are without taking their opinions personally we no longer can be hurt by what they say or do.
  • Even if they lie that is okay, it is because they are afraid you will discover they are not perfect.
  • You know to not listen to their lies and that no one is perfect.
  • If someone continues to treat you poorly it is a gift if they walk away from you.
    • If you don’t take anything they say personally and do not let it bother you they will walk away.
    • That may hurt for a while, but you will heal and be better off.
  • When you make the 2^nd agreement a habit you will find that nothing can bring you down to the depths of hell.
  • There is a huge amount of freedom that comes from not taking anything personally
  • The whole world can gossip about you, but you are immune.
  • Someone can intentionally try to hunt you, but you will shrug it off and that poison becomes worse within the sender.
    • Eventually they will walk away.  They cannot take not being right and you not agreeing with them.  (How many people do you know like this)?
• To summarize when you make a habit of not taking anything personally you never need to place trust in what other people say.  You only need to trust yourself.  You are not responsible for others actions.  You are only responsible for you.

Don’t make assumptions

• I feel this is very closely tied to not talking anything personally.
• When we take things personally we are making assumptions of what that person is trying to say.
• We tend to make assumptions about everything!
  • When you get cut off in traffic or see someone weaving in and out of traffic we instantly think it is because that person is a dick or an asshole.
    • Could it be they just found out a loved one has been in an accident?

Bemidji Bike trail

• The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are true.
  • We make assumptions of what other people are thinking.
  • We then take it personally and react based on our assumptions by spreading poison.
  • We end up creating drama for nothing.
  • The whole war of control between humans is based on making assumptions and taking things personally.  Our dream is completely based on that. 
  • This almost always leads to gossip.
  • Take back your control by eliminating making assumptions and taking things personally.

You can see how important these two things are in creating a happy dream.  You can also see how unbelievably hard this can be.  You need to actively work on doing this and it is not going to be easy.  Over time it will get much much easier once you see how much happier you are.

• SO much of us making assumptions is because we are afraid to ask for clarification.  Instead, we believe what we assume is correct and prepare to defend it to death.
  
  
• Remember your head is full of chaos and agreements you have made overtime and because of this you believe your assumptions are correct and you remember them as fact.
  • We only see what we want to see, and we only hear what we want to hear.
  • Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.
  • You should be able to believe most of what you see, but because we love to assume, and our assumptions have to be correct this is not the case at all.
• Person you like walking in the mall stops and smiles at you.
  • This leads to all kinds of assumptions because you saw it.
• Making assumptions in personal relationships is asking for all sorts of trouble
  • Often we assume our partners knows what we think and that we do not need to say what we want.
  • Instead, we don’t say what we are thinking, and we defend ourselves by saying “you should have known.”
  • I asked my daughter and wife to read this book.  I could have just told them what I had learned from it and why I thought it was so important, but I assumed if they read it they would love it the same way I did, and they too would take away a happier life.
    • That being said I do think this is a great book for a 13-year-old.  However hard you think this is to complete in your life I can only assume it is 10 times harder for a teenager, but the sooner you start the easier it will be to make these changes.
  • Maybe you have been dating someone for a while and you decide to finally get married.
    • Usually this is because you assume your partner sees marriage/life the same way you do.
      • What if once you start living together you find out this is not truce?
      • This will create a lot of conflict, but more than likely you still won’t try to clarify your feelings.  Instead, you continue to make assumptions.
      • In any kind of relationship, we make the assumptions that others know what we think, and we do not have to say what we want.
      • This creates drama in our personal life, and you just add more assumptions on top of it.
    • WE have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things the reasoning mind cannot explain. (Drinking way too much being one of them).
      • It is not important we get the answers correct, just that the answer we come up with makes sense to us.
      • This is why we make assumptions.
    • If others tell us something we make assumptions.  If they don’t tell us something we make more assumptions to fill our need to know and replace communication.
    • We make all sorts of assumptions because we do not want to ask questions.
    • We make assumptions fast and unconsciously.  We have made agreements that is how we communicate
      • It’s not safe to ask a question, what if they say no or we don’t like the answer?
      • People we love should know us well enough to know what we want and how we feel.
    • When we assume something, our mind believes it and we become willing to die on a hill defending that assumption to the point we will let it destroy everything around us so we can be right!
    • We assume everyone sees the world the same way we do!  This is the biggest assumption humans make!
  • In relationships…..
    • We often get into relationships and only see what we want to see.
    • You lie to yourself just to make yourself right.
    • Then you make a big assumption.
      • “My love for this person will change them”.
      • No, it won’t!
      • If someone changes, it’s because they wanted to change, not because anything you did.
      • If they don’t change you feel the need to justify your emotional pain and blame that person for your choices.
      • Real Love does not need to be justified.  It is either there or it is not.
      • If you feel the need to change someone it means you really don’t like who they currently are.
      • You can save yourself a lot of pain by just finding someone you don’t need to change at all.  This person must love you exactly the way you are too.
      • If you don’t love me the way I am.  Bye.  Sounds harsh, but you will be much happier in the long run.
    • Imagine the day you stop making assumptions with your partner and eventually with everyone else in your life!!
  • In our personally lives….
    • This is why we have fear being ourselves around others.  We think everyone else is judging us.  We feel this because we Judge, victimize, abuse, and blame ourselves, so before anyone else gets a chance to reject us we reject ourselves.
    • That is how the human mind works.

Fear of telling others we do not drink anymore when asked if we need a drink at a party.  (Seriously, they really don’t care, and if by chance they do… Don’t take it personally!!)

I am new to this, but I see it all the time with family members or friends.  They tip toe around what they fell is the elephant in the room.  What should I say to him?  How do I introduce him at parties?  Should I still ask him over for neighborhood bone fire?  All the while creating undo stress in their life because they are making assumptions that this is awkward for me, and could cause me to relapse I’m guessing, instead of just asking questions.  Here is the answer.  The same why you would have before you even knew.  I am absolutely able to take care of myself in any situation, or I wouldn’t have put myself into it.  Also, I don’t take things personally, so I don’ t even think of it twice.

Website Merch story.

• The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions.  Clear communication is critical.  If you don’t understand ask.
• Even if you do ask don’t assume you have all the answers to the situation, but you are for sure better off.
• Find your voice and courage to ask for what you want.  Everyone has the right to say yes or no and if you don’t’ get the answer you are looking for… Don’t take it personally.
• The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate clearly, and your word will be impeccable.
• All your relationships will change.  Not just with your partner, but with everyone.
• This is going to be difficult, because we almost always do the opposite, but becoming aware of these habits and understanding these agreements is the first step.
• This is merely a seed planted in your head for it to grow takes action!

Always do your best

• This is the last agreement, but it is the action step that allows you to put the first three in motion.
• It is very simple.  Always do your best.  No less… No more!
• Your world, your dream, is always changing, so your best is always changing.
  • Sometime your best is high quality.
    • Good night sleep.
    • Feeling great.
    • Your sober.
    • Positive attitude.
    • Basically, you woke up and said, “I’m going to kick the shit out of this day”!
  • Sometimes your best is low quality.
    • You didn’t get enough sleep.
    • You’re sick.
    • You’re hungover.
• Your best is going to depend on how you’re feeling that day.
  • But I can tell you my best got much better once I stopped drinking.
    • I chose my attitude.
    • I do my best to use the four agreements.
  • If you do the same your best is going to become better than it used to be.
• The key to doing your best is… No More… No Less.
  • If you try to do more you will spend more energy than is needed.
  • If you do less you subject yourself to frustration, self-judgment, guilt, and regret.
• JUST DO YOUR BEST!
  • If you do your best there is no way for your judge to judge you and Guilt, Blame, & Self-Punishment will disappear.  You will break that spell.

The book here gets into a few pages on if you find a job you love you never work a day in your life…

• Doing your best is taking action because you love it, not because you are expecting a reward.

I will say I am much happier now that I am not chasing dollars and who I though everyone wanted me to be. (Moving story) Downsizing, canceling things, spending less… I don’t miss a penny I was making, and I enjoy putting out this podcast.  Will I be able to do this podcast full time forever?  Maybe not, but if not.  I’ll find something else.

• Many people don’t like what they are doing and for some it drove them to drink.
• This is definitely not doing your best and you need to find something new.
• You will know you are doing your best when you are enjoying the action or doing it in a way that will not have negative repercussions for you.
• Simplified think Forest Gump
  • He didn’t have any great ideas, but he took action.
  • He was happy because he always did his best at whatever he did.
  • He was richly rewarded without expecting any reward at all.
  • Take the risk to go out and express your dream.
• I try to do my best by making it a habit
  • It doesn’t need to start with all the big things.
  • Do your best with everything you do each day.
  • Taking a shower.
  • Making coffee.
  • Driving to work.
  • Spending time with your kids.
• As alcoholics we tend to follow a routine that works for us each day.
  • Make “always doing your best” part of this routine.
• The best way to say “I love you God” is to live your life doing your best.
  • Let go of the past and live in the present.
  • If you are living in the past you are only half alive.
    • This leads to self-pity, suffering, and tears.
  • YOU WERE BORN WITH THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY.
  • You don’t need to prove anything.  Enjoy your life.
    • Say no when you want to say no and yes when you want to say yes.
• The first three agreements will only work if you do your best.
  • Don’t expect to always be impeccable with your work, not make assumptions, or take things personally.
    • These things are too firmly ingrained in you. Just do your best.
    • By doing your best these agreements will become easier over time. And you will not find the need to judge yourself and feel guilty or shame which leads to punishment.  Don’t let the victim in.
  • Over time you will become a master.  Everything you have ever learned your learned through repetition.
• Make this agreement for day:
  • I chose to honor the four agreements.
    • It’s so simple anyone can do it, but you need to have a very strong will.
    • Everywhere we go will be full of obstacles.
    • Everyone tries to sabotage our commitment to these new agreements.
    • Everything is set up to break them.
• We need to use all of our power to keep these agreements.
  • Understand that you are going to fall down.  The key is that you get back up and don’t feel sorry for yourself.
  • If you fall, do not judge, do not give the satisfaction to the victim.
  • Just start over again and say “today I will be impeccable with my word, I will not take anything personally, I will not make any assumptions, and I am going to do my best.
  • JUST FOR TODAY!