HR Ep 6 – The 4th Step

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For more information visit HammeredRecovery.com  or e-mail me at justin@hammeredrecovery.com

Update – Part of the point of this podcast to is to share with others my journey.  Today is mostly going to be about that, which happens to be step 4.

• Go to a lot of meetings.
  • Network to find other meetings and new friends.
• Find a home meeting.
• Got a sponsor.
• Staying connected.
  • Calling people from the meeting/treatment.
  • Meeting Each Friday (The meeting before and after the meeting (fellowship))
    • Going out to dinner.
    • Treated like rock stars for some reason.
    • Know our names what we drink.
    • We are good tippers, but our bills are half of what they used to be, so that can’t be it.
    • We feel there is a stigma of telling people I’m an alcoholic, but as much as I know there is one I’m also here to say in a lot of cases there isn’t one.
      • Changing my status on LinkedIn.
      • I sat there for a long time before I hit enter.

• Taking someone up on offer to go to a new meeting.
• Sunday night meeting
  • Going to a meeting vs. getting out of a meeting.
• “I” statements (I’m working on my Twitter posts) Harder than I had thought.
  • Had to start this podcase over about 5 times.
  • My sponsor says it is important or I wouldn’t let it bother me.
• Reading the big book.
  • Read it in Haz, but different perspective with sponsor.
• Starting Step 4 – Not for everyone, and this is my first time doing one.
• I feel great, but as we all know
  • Cunning
  • Baffling
  • Powerful
  • Patient

Step 4 – “Made a searching and FEARLESS moral inventory of ourselves.”

• If you go to treatment you will probably leave on step 3.
  • For those who get hung up it almost always is going to be on step 3.
    • “Made a decision to turn out will and our lives over to the care of God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM.”
  • We have instincts for a reason
    • Find a partner
    • Reproduce
    • Provide food
    • Secure shelter
  • All are necessary, but often far exceed their proper function.
  • Powerfully, blindly, and subtly they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives.
  • When out of joint, cause us great trouble.
  • No human, however good, is exempt. (We are part of an exclusive club)
  • Cause is misdirected instinct.
  • Step 4 is a vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been/are.
  • How, when, where our natural desires have misguided us the unhappiness this caused others and ourselves.
  • How do I go about this step?
  • Start with one and do a deep dive to discuss with my sponsor.
  • The 12×12 gives examples of the questions I may need to answer. sex, power, wealth.
  • Anytime a person imposes his instincts unreasonably upon others, unhappiness follows.
    • Wealth/security (material & emotional)
    • Sex
    • Prestige/power
    • Can produce anything from a cold shoulder to a blazing revolution
  • We will see those instincts running wild are the underlying cause of destructive drinking
    • We have drank to:
      • Drown feelings of fear, frustration, and depression
      • Escape the guilt of passion
      • For vainglory that we may enjoy foolish dreams of pomp and power. (1953)
  • If we try conquering this step on our own it can lead down a nasty worm hole.
    • Depression can lead to guilt and self-loathing
    • Grandiosity leads us to solely blaming the drinking for any defect
      • I quit drinking, so obviously everything else will take care of itself.
      • If I was a pretty nice person before the drinking why do I need a moral inventory now that I am sober?
      • We believe our behavior was cased by other people. People who really need a moral inventory.  This is on them.
  • This is why this step is done with our sponsor.
    • They have done this step before, and they can guide us.
  • As soon as the newcomer begins to be more objective, the newcomer will fearlessly, rather than fearfully, look at his own defects.
  • Majority of AA members have suffered severely form self-justification during drinking days.
    • Self-justification is the maker of excuses and all kinds of damaging conduct.
    • We had to drink because:
      • Times were hard or times were good.
      • At home we were smothered with love, or got none at all.
      • We were a great success or dismal failures.
      • We had won a ward or lost a peace.
      • And so on into infinity…
    • Conditions drove us to drink and when we tried to correct these conditions, and found that we could not to our satisfaction, our drinking increased.
    • It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet these conditions.
  • We slowly will learn that something needs to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and unwanted pride.
    • When we played big shot, we turned people against us.
    • When we harbored grudges and planned revenge, we were really beating ourselves with the club of anger were intended for others. (Impeccable with our word)
    • We learned that if we were disturbed, our FIRST need was to quite that disturbance, regardless of who or what caused it.
  • To see how erratic emotions victimize us will take a long time.  We preserve them quickly in others, but slowly in ourselves.
    • We have to admit we have many of these defects, even though admitting it was painful and humiliating.
    • When it came to others we need to drop the word blame from our vocabulary.
  • This is why we first knock down a few of the big ones.
    • Once we gain perspective on ourselves we gain humility.
  • No two people are alike, so no two people will have the same experience with this step.
  • Where to start?
    • Seven deadly sins. Pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth.
    • There is a reason pride is first.
      • Pride leads to self-justification and is always driven by conscious or unconscious fears.
      • Pride lures you into making demands upon ourselves or others which cannot be meet without misusing our God-given instincts.
      • When the satisfaction of our instincts for sex, security, and society becomes our sole object, pride steps in to justify our actions.
  • Failing at any of this leads to fear and fear in turn generates more character defects.
  • We begin to eat, drink, and grab more of everything, fearing it shall never be enough.
  • This is why we need to take a fearless moral inventory!
    • Your pride is going to say “seriously, you don’t need to do this” and fear is going to say “seriously, you do not need to this this!”
  • But if you do the job thoroughly a wonderful light falls upon this foggy scene. As we persist, a brand-new kind of confidence is born and the sense of relief at finally facing ourselves is indescribably.

I do not expect a white light moment.  I have spoken to many others, and although they all agree it was very helpful very few, if any, had a white light moment.

• Example of questions to ask when taking inventory.  (Lots of examples in the 12×12)
  • In addiction to my drinking problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability?
  • Did fear and inferiority about my fitness for my job destroy my confidence and fill me with conflict?
  • Did I try to cover up those feelings of inadequacy by bluffing, cheating, lying, or evading responsibility?
  • Did I complin that others failed to recognize my truly exceptional abilities?
  • Did I overvalue myself and play the big shot?
  • Did I have such unprincipled ambition that I double crossed and undercut others?
  • Was I extravagant?
  • Did I recklessly borrow money, caring little whether it was repaid or not?
  • Was I to frugal refusing to properly support my family?
  • Did I cut corners?
  • Did I try “quick money” deals?
  • Did I rack up a lot of debt?
  • Did I gamble?

Remember these texts were written a log time ago and they tend to paint women into a corner that today seems absolutely ridiculous.  I’m a guy, but for women all I can say it to try not take it personally, if you go down that rabbit hole you may never come out.

• Anyone who drank themselves out of jobs, family, and friends will need to cross-examine themselves fearlessly to determine how their own personality defects have demolished their security.
  • Common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression.
  • I can ask myself to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxiety?
  • If those actions of others are part of the cause, what can I do about that?
  • If I am unable to change the present state of affairs am I willing to take the necessary measures to shape my life to conditions as they are?
• Humans have two disastrous pitfalls.
  • Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend on them way too much. (codependency)
    • Lean to heavily on people, they will eventually fail us.
  • Never have we tried to be a family member of family members, friend among friends, worker among workers… a useful member of society.
    • Either we struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it.
  • Many will struggle because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring.
    • Often we will find this because we have buried these defects deep down in us under think layers of self-justification.
    • Whatever the defects at some point they have ambushed us into alcoholism and misery.
• It is wise to write out our questions and answers.  It will be an aid to clear thinking and honest appraisal.  It will be the first tangible evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.